Are you sure it was under here?
I'm sure it were under here.
I mean, we all know how reliable your sense of direction is.
Listen, Noddy, I know my way about!
I mean, how can you rely on the judgement of anybody
who always heads for Nora Batty?
It's just a homing instinct.
You're right, Norm. That's just what it is!
A homing instinct!
She's not my idea of home.
Could you get a mortgage on her?
She's great on Mondays.
From the knees up I admire that woman, especially on Mondays.
Why Mondays? She washes on Mondays.
I wish we could say the same for you.
I see her out in the yard,
hanging up her things with a peg in her mouth.
Oooh, she drives me wild when she's got a peg in her mouth!
She's just like Dorothy Lamour with a flower in her teeth.
She looks like a Labrador, carrying a basket.
You turn a pigeon loose, it flies to it's old shed.
You turn him...
You turn him loose and off he goes straight for...
Well, if anything ever looked like an old shed, it's Nora Batty.
Dorothy Lamour used to have this flower in her teeth.
Did a lot of baking, did she?
Not baking flour, you great ninny!
A geranium. And it came to me in a flash one washday.
Would you care to rephrase that?
Nora Batty with a peg in her teeth looks exactly like Dorothy Lamour.
Exactly?
Oh! Um... Oh! Exactly?
Well... nearly exactly
It's a likeness that's eluded me.
You'd see it at once if Dorothy Lamour had wrinkled stockings.
Never mind about Nora Batty's looks,
what are we supposed to be looking for underneath here?
I think it were an old treacle tin.
Oh, how appealing. A sticky old treacle tin!
It were cleaned out, you clown!
Nobody left any treacle when we were kids.
We were all treacle freaks!
This thing we're...
This thing we're looking for...
Could it be long and wriggly,
with 84 feet and what looks like a nasty bite?
No, it couldn't.
Well, there's one under here.
Oh... Did it have eyes... Get out!
If she had been abandoned by a rich lover,
without a roof over her head,
I would've taken her in.
Would you like to clarify, little tatty person? Taken who in?
Dorothy Lamour.
I once had a pair of trousers taken in.
It's not the same thing, Norm.
I thought it wasn't all that exciting.
Would've been a treat for Dorothy Lamour though, lodging with him.
She'd have had the run of my house.
Just like your ferrets.
All I would've asked was that she did me washing
and changed her flower now and then.
Absolutely essential is flower-changing.
Well, it's only fair, Norm.
Couldn't agree more.
Don't encourage him.
The first thing to make clear to the woman round here
is change your flowers daily!
I mean, if they go traipsing around in sarongs,
the flower in the teeth must be changed daily.
Seen enough have you?
Now think, man, think.
I'm thinking. I'm thinking!
Just look at him.
You see that expression on the face of confused ostriches.
He looks like a retarded walnut.
Does it hurt when you think?
I does a bit, Norm. I haven't got the brain for it.
What's 30p to win at 17 to 1?
£4.86 after tax.
You see, you could have a PhD in horse racing.
A P-H-D?!
Certainly, and a Diploma for Advanced Ferreting.
Haw-haw, I could?
And a thesis on Nora Batty.
A thesis on Nora Batty!
Could I keep her in after school?
Never mind Nora Batty.
Never mind Nora Batty?! Is he mad?
You will apologise, Monsieur.
I am ze most famous swordsman in France.
Stop waving that damned thing about.
Zis sword is for the protection of all mademoiselles,
who have wrinkled stockings! Hey-hey!
CAR HORN SOUNDS
And la same to you, Frehra Jacka!!
Very nearly up Frenchman's Creek La narrow squeak.
La great twit!
Now, concentrate.
I want you to study the landscape with the eye of a trained soldier.
Divide it into quadrants.
Quadrants, Norm. The same to you.
Note every little feature.
Then tell us which bush it's under.
That one!
There you are you see.
You can do these things under proper leadership.
Are you sure?
I'm ceratin it was that one.
Or it could'a been that one.
You've no idea, have you?
It's somewhere round here. In an old treacle tin? Aye.
Or was it a cocoa tin?
Are you sure it's in Yorkshire?
Don't be clever!
Well, that narrows it down.
An old cocoa tin, somewhere in Yorkshire.
Treacle! It were definitely a treacle tin.
And you say you buried it, under a bush, somewhere round here.
Definitely. Me and Thunder.
When did you bury it? 1932.
We come down that lane on roller skates,
glided round this corner, braked and went for the nearest bush.
"This'll do", said Thunder.
You buried it?
So where is it then?
Could have been nicked.
By some desperate gang of old treacle-tin thieves.
What can you get in a treacle tin that's worth stealing? Yorkshire remains.
They told us at school about Roman remains,
so we thought we'd bury some Yorkshire remains.
Such as what?
Oh... I can't remember. But they could be antiques by now.
I like it. A late Georgian catapult,
the toenails of a schoolboy, circa 1932.
What I fail to understand
is why you didn't do us all a favour and bury Thunder.
Oh!
Oh, God!
It's sad but true.
What's wrong with the tea?
Who said owt about the tea?
You're always on about the tea.
He said it was sad but true.
If he doesn't like it, he can... bog off!
You can always tell when they're trained at the Savoy.
Sad but true. Well, it's not a bad description of this tea.
I never said anything about the tea.
I don't care what you said. Anyway I've more to do than gossip.
I were talking about women.
Women.
Oh, talking about women, are we?
Go on then. Who's going to start?
Start what?!
Uh... wiping their feet. I keep on to them about wiping their feet.
He's lying!
I know he's lying.
I had me back to you. How do you know I'm lying?
Experience!
Women! See how unreasonable they are.
No use asking him, he's a Virgo.
Gemini actually.
Oh, sorry, love.
You don't have to marry to see how unreasonable they are.
No but it helps.
Marriage wasn't an option for me.
I knew from an early age my path was the way of the Samurai.
That's why he went to work for Northern Dairies.
I was killing time till war broke out.
I wish they could have started with a smaller war.
It seemed such a big one to go into without any experience.
It was over in a few years though.
Marriage just goes on... and on...
and on.
Yep. Well, if you'll excuse me for a couple of minutes...
Where are you going?
I'm going into the kitchen to get me head bashed. Oh.
Argh!!!
CLATTER
By 'eck, that clears your catarrh!
Get out!
Ooohh!
Oh, you've got some funny friends!
I've got some funny relatives.
You can't hear him in his wellies.
You shouldn't complain about sneaking up on people.
Somebody's got to keep an eye on you!
You'd be great at strangling sentries.
Just keep him out of my kitchen.
They're not the sort of trousers you expect there.
I can't help admiring his nerve.
It's not his nerve I worry about.
For a short person, he's got a surprisingly prominent index finger.
I think we should help Foggy get involved with women.
You needn't bother.
Hey, you might enjoy it.
It's like unarmed combat.
Why pick on me? Try Clegg.
He's not all that interested either.
Hey? Is that true, Norm?
Well, I was just getting interested in women
when I had this terrible setback. What was that?
I got married.
My God, I've see dead Japanese looking more cheerful than that.
What's that doing sitting out here?
I'm punishing the wife.
Looks terrifying.
I'm giving her hard time.
Sure you're not overdoing it? I don't care.
I stand so much. Then I get me rag out!
And then what? Then I come out here and sulk.
Oooohhh she hates it when I come out here and sulk.
It's Venus in wrinkled stockings.
What are you lot doing here?
Perfection from the hem of her pinnie upwards. Get home!
It's just that bit from her knees down, yeuch.
Go on. Get home.
Hey up. I am home. Some of us live here.
And don't we know it!
The council should do something!
Here, you!
Inside!
I'll come inside when I'm ready.
As it happens, I'm just ready.
If you get fed up with her, Wal, say the word, I'll fetch her.
Listen, I'll deliver.
Gift-wrapped!
Ooooh, if only I were rich, Nora, I'd make tha head spin
with expensive brands of spray polish,
imported oven-cleaners...
Shammy leathers...
Scouring powders...
Take him home before he starts talking legs.
He's always talking legs.
Run away with me and I'll smarten myself up.
Suede wellies. I can see it now.
I'll part me hair in the middle I'll wear a tie, I'll...
I'll even iron them wrinkled stockings.
There he goes! Listen. Legs!
Least you can do is think about it. It's a decent offer.
Ta. Thank you.
Hey up.
Look at him!
Old fancy fingers.
We ought to find him a woman occasionally.
I can find my own.
Legs like a grasshopper.
At running from woman he's faster than my ferrets.
But could you relax the same with him inside your pocket?
Oh, I don't think...
Will you just sit down over there where people can see you?
Last person who crept up on me is lying in an unmarked grave somewhere in the jungle.
A snake got him, did he?
No, it did not!
Probably decency. An acute attack of decency.
Of what?
Decency. They used to drop like flies from decency.
Oh, if you mean dysentery you little...
It wasn't that either.
I like it! Just imagine, dying of decency.
What got him was the killing edge of one of nature's lethal weapons.
Thee nose!
Tha stabbed him with thee nose.
Now, listen you...
My God!
Did you see that?
Has it started to swell yet?
That's how the Black Death got under way.
I thought it were rats?
People kissing rats?
Well, they had to make their own amusements in those days.
We had to invent ours, in school.
Very colourful some of them were. They made me blush.
It were just high spirits.
You weren't tall enough for high spirits.
Hardly tall enough for low spirits.
I were a bit of a terror, though.
Oh, unquestionably. Yes.
Oh, yes. You were above average at things like being obnoxious.
And chasing the lasses.
He got best marks chasing girls I did, Norm. I did!
Show him where Eileen Watkins marked you.
No, you needn't bother.
Ah, it's probably wore off by now.
Don't you know?
Listen, Freda...
At my age it's not the easiest thing to keep tabs on.
You've got to be young and athletic these days
to reach places you once took for granted.
You mean...
Yes, well there's that too.
I was thinking of that big tree we used to climb. Oh, sorry.
I mean it not as if he ain't got any money.
That's a lie.
Tha could probably do very well with the lasses.
It's a rumour. I haven't got any money.
Look how well I do with the lasses.
And I mean, I'm short of a...
Leg? Capital. Oh, sorry.
Which brings me to another painful subject.
What's that?
It's your round.
Are you sure it's my round?
It's your round! It's your round!
I don't know... You think you're relaxing with friends
and all the time they're keeping count.
Well?
Eh, could I have a word with you?
If you're after me body, you can hold your breath.
I think I'll come back later.
Sit down!
Tell her I'm celibate. I'm in this strict lay order.
He's taken a vow of chastity, haven't you? In writing.
How about you? I'm sorry, love. I'm spoke for.
Thank God for that.
It's him!
Him? The tall one with the empty glasses.
And the three pint pots.
Another weird beggar. They come from miles around.
We must be in the Weird Beggars' Good Pub Guide.
He's the richest bloke around here. You want to take care of him.
Him? He doesn't look rich.
But then he's eccentric, isn't he?
I mean he's famous round here for being rich and eccentric.
Made it all from what? Ah... Frozen turkeys.
Gobble, gobble.
That's his trade mark.
If he's got money, why's he with you?
Well, I'm glad you asked. Aren't you glad she asked that? Tell her.
No, no, no, no. Thee tell her!
Gobble, gobble.
I told you. He's eccentric.
How eccentric can you get?
As is the want of most successful businessmen waiting quietly for a knighthood,
he is also shy.
Hey-hey, sit down, sit down.
Shy. Gobble, gobble. And rich.
He keep us to remind him how awful failure is
and to help him to meet people.
Hey-hey. He does, Norm. He does. That's just what he does, love.
If it wasn't for us, his only friends would be frozen turkeys.
They'd have to buy their own round.
But now this lonely man is able to tell us who he'd like to meet
and we, uh, arrange it for him.
Get off!
He wants to meet me?
He thinks you have distinctive features.
He said that?
Distinctive features?
Don't stare at him. You'll make him nervous.
If you're interested, then you've got to give him some little private signal.
Between the two of you.
That nobody else need understand.
Such as what?
He's a bit funny looking.
But not as funny looking as when you thought he was poor.
He grows on you.
Remember, between the two of you.
Ah! Ah! Ah! Temper, temper.
I nearly had it yesterday.
Three pints, please, Miss.
I nearly had it then our Edgar dropped in.
Knows it all, our Edgar. Give it here, he said.
You dozy twonk.
I must've been knocked. Knocked? You want knocking!
I don't know why you're worrying, you were going...
You were going to smash it yourself a minute ago.
That's my privilege. I didn't ask you to do it.
There's nothing the matter with it. Does it sound alright?
Give it to me. Give it here.
Give it to me. It probably just needs adjusting.
It's thee that needs adjustment Give it here!
Just a minute. Just a minute.
Gobble, gobble.
You great dozy twerp!
I mean... I didn't know... You don't...
You flaming idiot!
Bog off!
Ger out of it!
There's no need to take that attitude.
Go on. Bog off!
And take what's left of it with you.
Go on!
Charming!
Gobble, gobble?
Gobble, gobble. Gobble, gobble.
They've got a lot of energy, these frozen turkey people.
Tha can slow down.
I'm fed up a searching under bushes for old treacle tins!
You won't be fed up this time.
I, former Corp Dewhurst, promise by the application
of keen, military logic, I shall take us to the very bush.
1932 you buried it.
He's pointing his stick at me.
You were 12 years old. What were you on at the time?
Nothing stronger than Woodbines.
On your feet, you dozy man. What did you have on your feet?
You had little cuddly wellies...
..and roller skates.
So we've been going wrong, coming round as pedestrians.
No wonder we missed the bush. Why did we miss it?
Maybe it's not a bush stop.
We missed it because we didn't come on roller skates.
We haven't got any roller skates!
Ah! I've already thought of that.
Oooohhh!
You wanted wheels.
There are your wheels.
That's still not roller skates.
Getting nearer.
Can I have me scooter back?
Just a minute, sonny. Just a minute.
I'm supposed to meet me mate.
You'll be amply rewarded.
How much?
Ah. See the gentleman there, he'll arrange the details.
Are you coming? I'm coming, I'm coming.
Get me off, will you?
GET ME OFF!
Ooohhh! Aaaahhh!
He's doing it all wrong. I think he knows.
We're getting very close now.
It's still not roller skates.
Well, very similar though.
Ooooohhh!
No. They're not flaming similar!
Oooowww!
Oh!
The dreaded Yorkshire lotus position.
Very few Westerners achieve that.
I don't understand why, Norm.
He'll be alright with some speed.
Oh, you're doing splendidly.
It's better with some speed.
Don't let me go! Don't let me go!
Help!
What did he say?
I think he said, "Don't let me go".
Oh, "Don't let me go".
It didn't sound like that. He doesn't speak clearly, you know.
Help!
It sounds clear enough to me.
Heeeeeelp!
Aaaaahhh!
Aaahhh!
Ooohh!!
Aaaaahhhh! Aaahhhhhh!
Aaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!
Oh, oh...
Oh!
Pfff! Pfff!
Look! Yorkshire remains!
Phtt! Phtt!
Yeuch! Phew! Phaw!
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd